Hope

...it feels good to know you're mine...

now drive me far away......

away..........

aaaahhh...way...........

aaaahhhhhhhh.....waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy......

Far!

I dont care where just far!

Away.............

I dont care where just far.....!!

Away...

I dont care........!!

She told me to have hope....little does she know...its the only thing i ma hanging by...its the only thing that keeps me going these days...

her voice blends in my head and mixes with my thoughts...like blood with water...it takes over me till she is all i think of...in the class...in the bus...in loneliness and in gatherings with frends surrounded..no one understands....no one will...

But I dont care...as she is driving me...

So far away...

I could care less.

I dont care.

Dreams

Hello,
You probably want to pass a judgement before i can even start. Well
i am not giving you that chance...not today...not now....not yet...

Lets chat...








WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM????







Shouldn't i be happy?

dont you want me to be??

For once i found a woman who loves me back...so...


just back off.



Oh, does it hurt when i say that??



i dont give a shit.


u have no idea how much you have hurt me....



so i deserve this.



i so do.



she loves me back...



for once a person loves me back.



and i love her too...



so just let me be happy....


...let me dream.

Today

........oh aazar...is juliana coming to india.........???


when is she coming to india................???



will you have sex with her........................???


...........will you kiss her............???



is she still collecting money to meet you here.......what if she comes here??? what if you go there?????



I THINK ITS JUST AN INFATUATION.......................



BE REAL.


BE PRACTICAL.


BE MORE REAL.


THINK ABOUT IT.


ARE YOU MAD?????



DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN MEET HER....????




HOW IS IT GOING WITH HER....???




SO YOU ARE KINDA, GOING OUT???




ARE YOU HAPPY........???



YOU LOOK SAD TODAY...WHAT HAPPENED.....???



ARE YOU OK???



I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET TOO ATTACHED....



NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENED....



I DONT WANT YOU TO GET HURT.........................................................................................













JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP MOTHERFUCKERS...I LOVE HER....PERIOD.








AND YES I WILL MEET HER....





ONE MORE QUESTION AND I AM GONNA......








OH WHATS THE USE.....





BUT WHATS THE USE...



ITS NOT LIKE URE EVEN LISTENING TO ME...



YOU JUST WANNA SAY WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY....


THEN JUST DISAPPEAR...



LEAVING YOUR VOICES IN MY HEAD....




DONT YOU KNOW HOW THEY FUCK UP MY HEAD....??



WELL.....





OH NOTHING CHANGES.




NOT FOR ME.




NOT FOR US.



DAMN.

Saturday

Saturday. Juliana just came back home. She is sitting on her bed thinking about all sorts of things. The clock strikes 9pm. She feels dirty. No,you would be wrong if u thought she feels this way cuz she jus had sex or anything...she is feeling so cuz she just got raped by her brother-in-law,husband to her elder sister. Today is the day she will never forget. Juliana is only 11years old...her story's different, or, its going to be....

12yrs...findin out everything changes...


13yrs...realizing what she went through...


14yrs...kisses a guy


15yrs...doesnt wanna go to school anymore


16yrs...cries like a baby


17yrs...meets someone she loves


Its saturday again. The clock strikes 9am. Juliana wakes up from a beautiful dream. She looks out her window and sees her neighbour's clothes which were hung out to dry, blowing in the wind. She thinks about the time when she was 11years old, and she recalls what she went through...and for once, doesnt question why she had to go through everything - she just wishes she is the last one. A faint smile stretches across her face - today is her birthday - she is 18yrs old now. This is Juliana's story. Her story is different...or, its going to be...

Walking, just walking...

walked the road i wish i didnt have to walk again...and i walked it yesterday...but this time around i had a frend and his secrets to accompany me...i felt him like i felt the wind on my face...so cold yet so warm....thanks for being there, i know you always will be...i cant be what u want me to be...i just hope u stay content with what i always will be...i hope i am like this forever...hope u arent, though...anyway...chao!

Follow

i feel this one like the razor's edge

two more steps to the end

i am divided and im cutting away

walking this thin line down the bend...

follow me and you may lead,

take this road and leave me behind.

the past is reflected in our pond

and its always raining in my mind...

you wait for the waves

you sit on the shore

but then everything changes

you cry for it all...

then summer comes

and you're home again

thinking about the time

you ran through the rain

you're making time but you're losing it too

can you lie there waiting...?

i'll follow you

i'll just follow you...

Losing it...again...

hey all...hows life? good i suppose...i am aazar...iam good at almost everything except being good at anything, sorry having my bergmen phase at 12:01 in the night..u see me trying to sound very surrealist but those who know me would know i am just pretending...i feel high without her...she calms me down but i still lose it anyway...sometimes i wanna lose it right?ok? got it? good...like faggoty girls of my school days getting high on a cig...ha! How i dont miss them!

Bet they don't either...but like i said before...i dont give even an inch of rat's ass about that fact...Bye for now...that was aazar, who is good at somethings except the fact that he is vey good at telling u how other ppl arent good at anything except what they shud be good at..and what shud they be good at? perhaps even i dont know...Juliana just came online and left....a brush of black hair on my shoulder...i long for winter...i long for a cup of tea with my frends, i am so freaking glad i got college tmrrw...i hate everything about khalsa but i will get thru i know it so...even though i cant wait, i love my frends with all their faults and oddities...mwah mwah mwah...love u honey...hope we get married...i am high again..never fine again...it is so easy to write this way..but then again, i always did take the easy way out now, didnt i? aint i right for once, chitra ma'am...?

Sing Along...

I am going mad...she is sleeping and dreaming..not of me but of a better world..she deserves it more than anyone else here...for everybody has left the room...wish i could watch her sleeping and lay beside her...hum her favourite song...and watch her smile in her sleep...when she wakes i wont be there....or maybe i will be...she wont be here too...but i am never alone when i am thinking about her...even though i am alone all the time...

Glycerine by Bush has entered my head...how i love that song..how i love that guy's voice...Gavin Rossadale...my god...wish i had a voice like you...my frends are right..i should stop singing...i sound like a cheap detergent commercial getting stale day by day...wanna rip this throat out...is there a transplant surgery for such a thing?...temme if u know...I feel like beth gibbons even though i am nothing like her...

FUUUUUUUCK YOUR GOD!!!

everything about her is so beautiful...her cry...her screams...her voice...her words...i am addicted to my motu...want her more than ever...damn this fucking distance..damn these words and damn my thoughts...they are of no use...this window is getting too fucking crowded....i need to get out...bye....

This wasnt for you...its for me...

Scars...

she cuts her hands...and then she wants no one to know, so she wears a full sleeve shirt...she hides her scars wich she gave to her own self...not anyone else...she shows the ones wich were given to her by others...she plays hide and seek really well...dats why i love her...i think she is funny in the darkest way possible...oh how i love her...and iam glad she knows dat too...

A frend of mine fantasizes about me...then he wants no1 to know...everyone thinks he is gay...then why does he need to hide it himself?...he must be, i usually think to myself...but then my mind doesnt say that...my mind and my heart are constantly fighting...i dont want no1 to win...but i wanna reach inertia...not like the state of perfection...btu the state of eternal peace and calm...but this sounds like death...ok i shud shut up now before u blow my fucking head off...but please do...i dont wanna feel no pain when i die...i dont want them to die too...i hope they dont before i do...i hope they can live each and everyday...my two scars...oh so sweet...

Without most of the things i cud do with...

I hate it when i'm told to do anything...told to sit down and study...told to be calm...told to be quiet and control my feelings and just sit in a corner and gather dust...dats what iam doing these days...i feel useless...been doing nothing except playing my guitar and talking to my razor...i am so in love with her...damn she is beautiful...cutting me away day by day...and iam loving it,so to say the least...wish i cud hols her now and just kiss her to forget the world...but unlike the other assholes out there,i gotta wait...but i'll wait my life away...i hope she is dat patient too...

Sometimes i feel that all in all ive a very satisfying life....its just that most of the times...it doesnt mean to much...life is for living? i dont think so...i am wasting each day away...the only time i feel doesnt get wasted is when i talk to her...oh how beautiful she sounds...like poetry in motion her lips move...yes,i am in love...but this time...i cudnt be more sure of it...unlike before...damn i know u will laugh now...i know u will hold ur belly till it hurts but i dont give a shit...i have pretended not to in the past even though i did...but right now,i really dont...i really dont give even an inch of horse's ass wether u laugh on my long hair or my girl...she is perfect and so am i...wel atleast i can say that wen it comes to me loving her or vice versa...for the first time i feel iam somehwere at the right place at the right time...

and then the future scares me...but oh wat the hell,i will jus spin this one like another wheel...watch where it takes me...but i wont let go...my grip is strong...my mind is weak,but my heart is right...for once...iam beginning to want all that i cant have,or maybe can and i dont know it yet...i am succeding to speak like i am fucking mad...hope these ramblings didnt mean a thing to you...ha ha haha...me wanna have vodka or smoke for the first time in my life...if only someone wud light the fucking match for once...am i mad? kabeer is right...maybe i am just like everyone else..pretending to not pretend what im not...oh put me to sleep,on the softest bed,or the hardest,i will sleep just the same...

Alice

She flies over head
Comes down too soon
I feel her when november comes
She stays till the end of june

i stole her candles
wax on the floor
bad luck abuses and curses
she shall come back for more

i dont know where i am
i cant fly to land
as i look back on you and your grave
i can see from where i once began...

your wings broke way too soon
you said you'll gather some feathers
and you wished to fly, overhead
one day closer still, to the end...

worship,worship, worship
hide and seek and pray
like the thoughts in my head
you often stray...

i can try to say goodbye,
for i dont know what i was looking for...
life spinning free as druish's whirl,
thank you for being that kind of girl...

Hate

there is a throbbing in my heart,
the hate is in my soul.
i wanna blow up this world to pieces
wanna change everything, break my mould...

you always want more,
more than u could swallow
rise up and join the dance,
there is no salvation in tomorrow...

i choose not to belong,
to anything or anyone.
still, i see the mirror,
i don't know what i have become...

i'm turning into a nobody,
taking this ship down.
burning my flag in front of you all,
drowning myself without a sound.

listen to me now,
follow me across the field.
you can pretend, just the same
but hate is the only thing that's real.

The Masochist

i watch the blood run down

from my twisted little hands.

i love it when the razor digs in

and it mixes with water and the sand.

i've bled myself dry,
these words are true...
why can't you see,
i'm forsaken like you?

you know you can't feel,
it's not because i'm dumb,
time won't leave me alone,
and i've become this numb...


but oh, i love my veins,
when they're throbbing with life.
i don't need 10,000 spoons
just hand me that knife...

and i love my blood,
running down my hand.
so warm yet so cold,
i know you wouldn't understand...

Spiders

spiders in my head

my nightmares are all blind

want to break free

from these webs of unknown design.

you got spiders in your head

you got something thats not mine

crawling in millions, devouring numbers,

these webs are your and mine.

let me be devoured

let me taken.

no one cares, no will know

i'll always lie forsaken.

venom close to me now,

still have these questions on the rise.

she crawls like the ocean, closing in

to my sweet demise.

bleed me through, suck me dry

i won't ask the reasons why

i wish i remembered what you said,

for i got spiders in my head...

Justified

she likes the pain,

everyone does.

she lies in vain,

who gives a fuck?

they raped her and they,

left her to die.

alone in her room,

she holds her toys and cries.

every wall that surrounds,

looks the same.

now all her nightmares

know her name.

now all her feelings,

turn to dust.

she looks at the sky

wishes she could fly.

and for once,

leave this fucking world behind...

the world couldn't rid her of her pain.

it couldn't heal the scars.

brother and sister we were,

brother and sister we are...

Bitch

she flows like a lullaby,

naked in my eyes.

i could pretend she knows me,

rest is just surprise.

she falters a lot
her steps are all wrong.
she thinks she wrote the words
to this fucked up song.

but its not her fault
its just her say.
they are the ones
that left her this way.

now she is crying to her doll
love will break her fall.
the mirror is in the skin,
the wound grows deepers & its digging in...

drowning in blood
there is some time to think
two more minutes with no hope to get by
fucking bitch, i hope she sinks...

Dirty

smoke rises from her lips,and
crawls beneath her fingertips,so
why do you wanna wash it all away?
sometimes it feels so good to be dirty...

i wanna feel your skin and crawl within,
this velvet sheet you're using to cover everything.
why do you want to be this way?
don't you for once, wanna be dirty?

i don't want this to just get over,
what's the use in being so fucking sober?
hand me your hand, i'll fly away
pluck the rose, wanna be dirty...

they say she says i'm not the one,
once again, all my feelings go numb.
i'm like the razor, cutting your skin away,
you're the cream, smooth and dirty...

wake up and let me light the fire,
i'm burning this furnace of thirsty desire.
yeah, and all the flames go higher, up-up and away,
you're the only one who makes me this way...

are you out there?

forgot what i was looking for

blood on the sand, waves wash it away

so worthless - just an illusion.

your face keeps changing

how do i know who you are?

i don't even know who i am anymore

the mirror broke into a million pieces,

just like my shattered heart.

i say i'm right when you

know i'm wrong.

so empty just like the

empty words in this empty song.

and now you're telling me,

you don't know where it is that you belong...

this echo isn't doing me no good,

i've used my words, i've used my blood.

i've shed my feelings, shed my clothes,

miss you and i miss your touch...

but oh, these walls are real,

so is the pain - so good.

only i hear my voice in this fucking room,

and you are - just an illusion.

Porcelain

another day inside my world,

the clock strikes ten,

i hang my head again.

feeling worthless...
feeling numb...
i look in the mirror in vain,
and not recognize what i've become...

i play with her hair,
i play with her clothes,
shiny blue eyes, painted red smile,
couldn't have her even though i wanted more...

let me press the buttons...
let me hear your calls...
come on down and play with me,
all alone again, we'll take the fall...

i'm alone in my room,
the walls are all red,

clueless once again, lonely as my mind...
falling in this black gloom,
i'd rather be dead,
but i lie once again, tell 'em i'm fine...

Cold Hard Bitch

she kisses mirrors,

a perfect reflection of her face.

they say she's beautiful,

a living picture in a frame.

she's been through hell,
the thorns are in her side.
but she wont tell,
she knows how to hide...

daddy loved her too much,
and mommy didnt care,
all alone in her room now,
broken dreams got her there...

blood is on the walls
blood is on the bed
escaping thoughts and reasons to be alone
another one's dead.

leave her alone
cold hard bitch
wont confide
the thorns dig deeper into the flesh,
but she knows how to hide...

play her game
end like the rest
before you know it
everything is just a test

they say she is beautiful,
i dont see the same.
i see clearly when i close my eyes,
she's the one to blame...

i wanna see you naked,
in your body and your thought,
lay down like a peace of dead wood,l
ike my god-damn wooden heart...

crawl with you into yesterdays
i see myself fading away
i wonder why i came here
now i feel like i can stay...

The Game

i'm going to watch the sun go down,

and not think about the scars it didnt heal.

you might be the best of whats around,
but you can never be real.

you used them all, the faces that you have,
now you always look the same.
think i loved you once, but i was wrong
still i was always teh one who was blamed.

everything that we have loved is lost
everything must end vain
this is my turn so let me walk away
need to feel something else than pain

so pretty and white
thats just one of my names
my eyes are open wide for the truth
never knew this life wasnt just a game.

Home

whats a boy to do

when things fall apart?

where does one stand

when they're back to the start?

whats one to say
when five chairs become four?
there is no safety in numbers
when loved ones walk out of the door...

and i'll do anything
just to make you hear me out
you and your fucked up rules
faithless, without a doubt

the stories are many
as far as i can tell
and you're not the only one
living inside this hell

maybe you're lost
confused for sure
i'm standing and staring at your porch
please come out through the open door.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is a pill I can't swallow...

Tomorrow is a promise i couldn't break...

Tomorrow is dead and it's over...

Just like my yesterdays...

Tomorrow is a book I couldn't read...

A chapter gone by and a chapter to come...

The travesty of life unfolding slowly and slowly...

Can't face it all, let me walk towards the sinking sun...

Tomorrow is a song...I don't know the words...

It's just another sick twisted game...

Let me run from my past, love...let me be free...

The song shall remain the same...

Tomorrow is a feeling Iam under...

And I think I know it all...

I don't even know the difference between the truth and the lie...

Leave me be, I will take the fall...

Tomorrow is another dead man down...

He was loved, lost and hated...

For him, tomorrows came too soon...

''I feel proud of what Ive created...''

Tomorrow is misery, will the failures rise?

She pretends to know me, rest is just surprise...

I think I let her go too soon...

Couldn't stop the tears falling from her eyes...

I could just go on and on...telling you of the tomorrows to come...

But I'll just leave you with this riddle in your hands...

Please love yourself...

...before it's banned.

From The Distance To Here

I close my eyes and when i open them, all I see is...chaos. The first thing i remember is just chaos...everyone running around here and there...as if all of them have found that perfect place to go and all of them wanna be the first one to reach theirs.

She emerges from the chaos like poetry in motion and grabs my hand...we start to run...away from the chaos, away from the people, away from their voices, away from the screams, away from it all...hand in hand...just the two of us...that wasnt the part of the plan...but i like the route this one's taking...

Then suddenly, the chaos vanishes...the world finds peace again...the ground shakes no more...the dust that was rising from the earth settles down with immense speed...i dont even notice it...but i can smell it like yesterdays in my head.

Then they are calling out my name...and hers too. We shudn't be seen together...''they don't want us to be together''...i get the feeling instilled in my head...it maybe true also...Their voices and warnings for me to come out grow stronger...I can feel them closing in on us with each step they take...as if they knew, but they find this thought sadistically ravishing that we dont want them to think where we are hiding till they finally pounce on us, as they knew all along...

I can't take it anymore...and without even telling her, I start to rise to greet my fate...let them do what they want to with me, I don't care...I can't play this game anymore...I get up and as soon as I take my first step to come out of my hiding, I feel her cold hand tightening around my wrist...''Come here'', she says...we come close, our faces almost touching, our breaths colliding with each other like the winds and the waves in a violent storm...we kiss with our eyes closed and leave the world behind in that one intense moment....I can finally feel her like I wanted to...her heart beating loudly in the warm womb of her chest, almost ready to jump out...I wish I could just freeze this moment...

My eyes open...the world is a blur...the lights are too strong...and there are no magical exits, no secret doors in reality...and that's when I come to realize that it was all just a dream...damn! I guess that's why they call them that...''dreams''...when you wake up, they are gone...

Family, Redefined

a destiny is chosen
the path proceeds
the dangers forewarned
but still, hope recedes

the empty table with me in the centre
spotlights on the chosen one
hard to avoid hungry gazes
and the mirror to see what i'll become

it's hard to be like my father
it's hard to make my brother understand
need someone to lift me from these shadows
sometimes all you need, is a helping hand...

abuses and curses, insults and fights
in our souls, dims a fading light
why cant you take me as i am
and set me free...?

is it your love or hollow hopes
that one day i'll become
what you couldn't be...?

it's hard to be like my father
it's hard to make my mother understand
it's hard to be like my uncle
you cant always ''be a man''...